7 Days Remaining

Saturday 26th
posted by Paddy McGuffin in Features

the Paddy McGuffin column

Well, what a week it’s been folks. In most seven-day cycles one would be hard pressed to top a Prime Minister’s hitherto closely guarded penchant for post-mortem porcine penetration.

I’ve heard that Oxbridge helps you get ahead in life, but even by their bizarrely Byzantine standards that was quite spectacular.

But as has oft been opined a week is a long time in scumbaggery and time, tide and a rather obscure interpretation of necrotic animal husbandry wait for no man.

It was fun for a day or two but let’s face it Cameron and his goons have been abusing the rotting corpse of this country for years so it hardly came as a surprise that like most psychopaths he began early.

All I will say on the matter is that someone should definitely check the dates because it is entirely possible we have stumbled across the root cause of BSE.

Bullingdonian Swine-related Ejaculation.

Let’s face it you don’t have to be a scientist to know that generations of inbreeding being forcibly inserted into the food-chain was going to seriously mess things up.

One also has to ponder how this particular revelations will go down with his notoriously tolerant chums in the Saudi royal family.

Let’s face it they’d have no problem with the decapitation part, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t halal.

But then as we are constantly being told the Saudi regime is much more progressive these days due to the, ahem, “radical reforms” introduced by the late unlamented King Abdullah and his enduring nepotocracy.

So wonderful have these reforms been that in an act of staggering hypocrisy the blood-soaked regime has this week been handed the UN human rights chair.

What the fuck!? Had everyone else had a go or something?

The appointment ironically came in the same week that the Kingdom advertised for more executioners to keep up with the demand for mass slaughter, which has seen Saudi behead more people than Isis so far this year.

And speaking of barbaric examples of capital punishment the despotic regime is still determinedly pressing ahead with the beheading AND crucifixion of a young man, Ali Mohammed Baqir al-Nimr for alleged “crimes” he committed as a teenager.

His capital crime? Being involved, as a 17-year-old, in the 2011 anti-government protests.

Among the long list of charges — of which he was dubiously convicted, were those of “sedition” and “breaking allegiance to the King.”

Now the UN convention on the rights of the child, to which Saudi Arabia is a full signatory, forbids capital punishment for offences committed by people under the age of 18.

UN human rights experts also say al-Nimr was tortured and did not receive a fair trial.

That would be the same UN that has just handed the Saudis stewardship of the world’s human rights obligations.

As if that was not enough the announcement also came the day before the regime announced that henceforth anyone who declared themselves to be an atheist would officially be classed as a “terrorist” and therefore — you guessed it — subject to torture and potential execution.

Which is rather ironic from the nation which spawned most of the 9/11 terrorists and Osama Bin Laden himself, none of whom were notably open-minded in terms of theology.

Good work.

But as I said at the beginning this has been a bumper week for total and utter bastardry.

Step forward one Martin Shkreli.

In case you missed this story amid all the brouhaha surrounding piggate this is the evil little prick who this week bought up a firm creating life-saving HIV and cancer medication and inflated the prices by an obscene 5,000 per cent overnight.

Shkreli, a hedge-fund trader — of course he is — rather than be even mildly embarrassed by this, appeared on national and international television boasting and smirking about his business acumen.

This is a scumbag openly bragging about the fact that he has effectively handed a death penalty to hundreds of thousands if not millions of the world’s most vulnerable and desperate people.

And he has been lauded as a capitalist wunderkind by certain sections of the mammon worshipping classes, who if they are annoyed about anything it is that they didn’t think of it first.

What’s next? Selling anthrax as baby formula to the developing world?

Still it’s mainly going to be poor black people who die isn’t it, so who cares?

There are almost no words for the loathing and revulsion in which this column holds Shkreli. But I’ll give it a go.

By your actions you have forever forfeited the right to call yourself a member of the human race and should be shunned and pilloried everywhere you go.

You should be hounded to the ends of the world despised and decried everywhere you go. There can be no respite or refuge for the likes of you.

And one day I hope your private jet crashes somewhere in east Africa and you need an urgent blood transfusion.