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The policies that rose from the dead

The week in politics

Forgive your humble scribe if this appears on the face of it to be a case of deja vu.

Welcome to the Technicolor wonderland of non-developing policy that is the “Coalition of the Shilling.”

All we hacks and wannabe satirists can really do is mock what is occurring in the corridors of power as and when we see it.

Usually this is not a problem as the incumbents invariably screw things up on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

However this current shower seem to be stuck in a yellow and blue tied version of groundhog day. It’s just the same rubbish regurgitated over and over again.

Rest assured, dear reader, you are not subject to niggling short-term memory loss, although you may wish you were…

This column has indeed already done an Easter effort, but events, such as they are require a revisitation to the theme — like a more bad-tempered version of the tale in which the Saviour returned to the corporeal realm after the stone was rolled asunder.

Basically, what I’m getting at in my own roundabout way is the fact that these bastards haven’t had a new idea since 2010. And that one looked a bit threadbare…

Seemingly more and more frequently David Cameron is reverting to mangling the scripture, or at least the main characters — you can’t expect them to do that level of research — in an attempt to flog his policies to the gullible.

Well it’s worked before I s’pose…

This week he upped the messianic stakes by claiming that was an “evangelical” Christian and offering patronising admonishment for those who questioned the “right” way of doing things.

You may recall that earlier this month he pompously claimed that Jesus had come up with the idea of the “big society.”

There is a distinct difference, however, between the parables as expounded by JC and Cameron’s wafflingly pointless flagship policy.

Jesus may have been elliptical and, on occasion, opaque but at least he presumably knew what he was talking about even if no-one else did.

Conversely, Cameron has had three — or is it four? I’ve lost track — attempts to launch his big society and he’s still incapable of expressing what the hell he’s on about.

“Consider the lily,” seems like a PowerPoint lecture by Stephen Hawkins in comparison.

But no, speaking in a Easter video message this week Cameron went even further, speaking of the “countless acts of kindness carried out by those who believe in and follow Christ.”

Now, you may already be getting the feeling of observing a man desperately painting himself into a cranny. But it got worse, so strap yourselves in for a bumper dose of schadenfreude.

He then proceeded to pontificate to us sinners in an article in the Church Times, which you must admit is a bold step, meaning he was not merely singing to the choir.

The proselytising PM informed us that some atheists and agnostics failed to fathom the fact that faith could be a “guide or a helpful prod [was he trying to appease the unionists there…?] in the right direction” towards morality.

He “acknowledged” that many non-believers can still be possessed of moral values.

That’s good of you, Dave…

But he added that “people who advocate some sort of secular neutrality fail to grasp the consequences of that neutrality, or the role that faith can play in helping people to have a moral code.”

Or could it be that those who publicly espouse such puritanical views invariably end up being exposed as charlatans and hypocrites…

For someone whose government has arguably set back the ethos of “Christian charity” by roughly two millennia, to be lecturing ordinary decent heathens on the issue of morality is beyond insulting.

Although, as someone always open to new possibilities — unlike some — I have to consider the fact that he has in fact managed to lay his hands on a hitherto undiscovered scroll of the fifth gospel.

“And it came to pass that Jesus said unto the starving masses: ‘I don’t know what you’re all crying about. You think it’s easy being the son of God? It’s not my fault my dad owns everything and yours doesn’t.’

“And Jesus climbed to the summit of Mount Atos and looked down on the lame and the sick and spake unto them, saying: ‘Cast off thine crutches and walk.’ And the disciples did go among the throng and took from the lame their sticks and chairs, and they did fall over.

“And the lame looked to Jesus askance with confusion and fear in their eyes and cried: ‘Oh Lord, are we not cured?’ And Jesus replied unto them: ‘Who said anything about being cured? You’ve all been assessed fit to work and we need the sticks back’.”

“And lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth…”

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