Ah, there’s nothing like the stench of hypocrisy to herald the arrival of a new parliament.
Little spells democracy in action quite like an unelected parasite reading out a bunch of pie-in-the-sky platitudes from a barely elected government.
Yes that’s right this week saw the official opening of Parliament and that perennial chuckle fest that is the Queen’s speech.
It’s a bit like Ascot but with more ludicrous outfits and only slightly fewer examples of ridiculous headgear.
They bloody love it don’t they? A chance to put their glad rags on, dust off the ermine and a perfect excuse for those old Etonians to put on a pair of stockings.
It is curious, and not a little depressing that, at a time when countries such as Ireland, so in thrall to the priesthood since time immemorial, are pulling themselves out of the primordial swamp of theocratic oppression and bigotry with a referendum on same-sex marriage, Britain plc is still trying to erode the rights of the population through the archaic medium of pomp and pageantry.
The historic and overwhelming “yes” vote must have sent a few dog collar-wearing types of all denominations reeling.
After all if God wanted us to love our fellow man indiscriminately surely there would have been something about it in the Bible.
Now all they have to do is legalise abortion, allow the use of contraception and remove the ban on gay men giving blood and it could almost be a functioning part of modern society.
Unfortunately, we could be waiting a long time for that.
Incidentally, is this column the only one who noted the fact that, on the weekend the south voted for same-sex equality, DUP leader Peter Robinson had a heart attack?
This is the leader of a party whose members have variously said that being gay is an “abomination” and “worse than child abuse.”
You will no doubt recall that this latter came from Robinson’s wife Iris, shortly before she was discovered to have been having an affair with a teenager.
The only real surprise was that Robinson’s arteries weren’t already so furred with hate and idiocy that he was still walking.
A bit like a golem, but with malevolent intentions.
And speaking of man-made constructs which appear at first glance to be human but are not, that brings me back to the regular farce that is the Queen’s speech.
Yet again we were subjected, literally, to the monarch mouthing the words of a bunch of elitist reactionaries, making her the most expensive ventriloquist’s puppet in history. Or at least since Ronald Reagan.
Next time I propose they get Orville in instead, he’s not doing much with himself at the moment.
It would be worth it just to see George Osborne attempt to say “fiscal responsibility” without moving his lips.
Or how about this?
“What’s that Sooty? Sod the poor? Izzy whizzy let’s get busy.”
Actually that was almost exactly the key theme of this year’s speech.
Thus we were regaled with a “to do” list that can accurately be summed up as “we can do what the hell we want now, so suck it up.”
Anti-union laws, check.
Crippling welfare cuts, check.
Put the boot into the Scots, check.
The irony of the Queen reading out plans to prevent Scottish people having a say in English affairs while being married to, er, the Duke of Edinburgh appeared not to have occurred to some.
The new legislation granting additional powers to the spooks, was described as a ”turbo-charged” version of the old legislation. Do you get the feeling someone’s been hanging around with Jeremy Clarkson too much lately?
Only a politician could look at the unlawful and immoral mess that the spooks have presided over — including mass surveillance, complicity in torture and involvement in extra-judicial killings — and think, what they need is more powers and opacity.
Of course the other big news this week was the arrest in Switzerland of senior members of Fifa on graft and corruption charges following an FBI raid on their hotel.
Let’s face it if you’re going to nick corrupt officials, Zurich is the place to do it.
They all come back for the cash in the end.
The only real shock was the attempts by everyone else to act surprised by the news.
To describe Fifa as corrupt is akin to describing Hitler as a bit anti-semitic.
One person who leapt up to express his outrage was new Tory culture minister John Whittingdale, who this week called for the resignation of the Berlusconi of international football, Sepp Blatter.
Now that is not a sentiment many people would disagree with — Blatter has run the organisation as his own personal fiefdom and kleptocracy.
However, Whittingdale is a member of a party that has received more brown paper envelopes stuffed with cash than the bride at a mafia wedding.
But then that was good old fashioned British corruption, none of your foreign muck.