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Phill Jupitus

Tuesday 31st
posted by Jody Porter in Arts

Well Versed is edited by Jody Porter

Jeremy Carfucker
Porky the Poet/Phill Jupitus

Listen one listen all while I tell of a scandal
So vile that upon it you won't get a handle
At both ends you'll find yourself burning the candle
As you ponder the sins of this old fashioned vandal
Jeremy Clarkson
Has been up to some larks son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

The first sign that he was in this way perverted
Was at a Ford dealership when he first flirted
And all over an Escort young Jeremy squirted
XR3i owners were all alerted
Jeremy Clarkson
Is quick off the mark son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

Hammond and May both so spineless and vacant
Feared Jeremy's lustfulness savage and blatant
His car-based perversion was deeper than latent
On piston shaped condoms he took out a patent
Jeremy Clarkson
Came out of the dark son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

Had he been found out it might not have got worse
His auto-erotic kink grimly perverse
The need to bone motors became such a curse
At a funeral he snapped and back-scuttled the hearse
Jeremy Clarkson
In the graveyard carpark son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

Masturbating on toy cars you might think it rum
But it takes only four strokes for Clarkson to come
Compulsively he does some other things dumb
Like shoving hood ornaments right up his bum
Jeremy Clarkson
Life choices quite stark son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

The bitter end came to poor Jeremy's marriage
His poor wife she wandered out into the garage
To find her mad husband with his undercarriage
As far in a Volvo sump as he could manage
Jeremy Clarkson
All Swedes they should hark son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

After a fag had a shag with a Jag
Hot genitals forced
Sorely up its exhaust
In his sleep he was peeped
Knackers deep in a Jeep
His diminutive cock
Wedged tight in the lock
Subsequently his organ
Was shoved in a Morgan
Jeremy Clarkson
With insanity barks son
They finally caught Jeremy fucking a car.

Then one day a hybrid!
He stayed open minded
With emotions eclectic
Like Bob 'went electric'
And popped his wee penis inside of a Prius!
Now Clarkson's less mean
Cos he loved something green
No longer the weasel
Who hates bio diesel
And if he can keep it up
He will go far
They finally caught Jeremy in a nice car.



Jupitus is a comedian and poet who regularly appears on the TV shows Never Mind the Buzzcocks and QI. He started out as performance poet Porky the Poet, supporting acts such as Billy Bragg and becoming associated with Anti-Fascist Action.

Well Versed is edited by Jody Porter –
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