"Well I think that went jolly well! Fifth time lucky what? A few more strokes of genius like that and we'll be out of this recession in a jiffy!"

"And how exactly do you calculate that, Gideon? Actually, don't calculate anything. That's what got us into all this trouble in the first place."

"(Smirk) I think you'll find that was Labour, Dave."

"Yeees, you've said that so often that you're really starting to believe it aren't you?"

"Well, we've stolen all their policies and they're not working so it's their fault."

"Yes, but of course they stole them from us in the first place."

"That just shows what a good idea it was to steal them back."

"How do you think it went down with the proles?"

"How would I know, I've never met one. The closest we usually get is Pickles."

"What do they eat?"

"Well if he's anything to go by absolutely anything. Offal, mainly I think."

"Is that Shapps over there? What's he looking so pleased with himself for, has he set up another bogus internet company?"

"No, he's come up with a new ad campaign to accompany the budget. He reckons it will placate the proles and win them over to our austerity measures."

"It would have to be a bloody good one. Why's he got all those little coloured balls and speaking in rhyming slang?"

"Good evening and welcome to Grant Shapps's House of Bingo and bargain booze basement. Eyes down for a full house you peasants!"

"Oh God. Not again!"

This column generally eschews the use of text-speak regarding it as a dumbing down of our gloriously convoluted lexicon but sometimes things get so surreal you just have to hold your hands up and say: "WTF??"

This was the seventh of Osborne's fiscal statements I have had the misfortune to have had to sit through, including two at party conferences, and every time it seems impossible that he can appear more crass and odious than the last. But somehow he always manages to raise the bar.

We've had the fiasco of the pasty tax, the omnishambles, the meaningless sound-bites- "workers not shirkers" and "the party for hard-working people" -and his constant claims to have inherited this mess from Labour. And, most infamously, "we're all in this together."

It's not as easy as it looks to be so consistently and offensively patronising to vast swathes of the electorate. But once again they excelled themselves.

The Tory advert, put out on Twitter no less, shows a grinning Shapps - always a disturbing sight - claiming that a 10 per cent cut to duty on bingo halls and a penny off a pint of beer would "help hard-working people do more of the things they enjoy."

I'd like to meet the focus group they used for that one. "What do you want, jobs, welfare and healthcare?" "No, what we really want is cut-rate legalised gambling and a miniscule reduction on booze."

What's next? A whippet subsidy? A flat-rate financial incentive on caps?

Osborne's budgets are always instructive. Mainly as they graphically illustrate that Britain's chancellor is a total idiot. This one was no different. He claimed his budget had acted to help "responsible" pensioners who had been getting a bad deal from annuities.

Presumably unlike those feckless types who have to rely on a state pension but won't get it until they're in their 70s, by which time they'll probably be dead.

He also dismissed suggestions that he was hitting teachers, nurses and train drivers by reducing the threshold for 40p income tax in real terms.

Such people were all "part of a hard-working nation," he chuntered and insisted that those on middle incomes were still benefiting from the rise in the personal allowance.

But he added: "For the whole country it has been a difficult period. That is what happens when you mess up your country."

That's the first honest thing he's ever said.

The irony of the Tories promoting bingo when they've ensured that if you don't have a full house you have to pay bedroom tax, has not been lost on anyone.

All together now: "Tory Scum, 21!"