The Paddy McGuffin Column - Tory gallery of grotesques

"I say George, things are looking a bit sticky for us at the moment. People really seem to hate us despite all our wonderful ideas."

"I know Dave, who'd have thought the proles would get so uppity over a few teensy cuts and the odd missing decimal point."

"Well you did make a complete pig's arse of the Budget, just like when it was your turn to buy the plonk in the Bully club, what!"

"I have nightmares about villagers coming for us with pitchforks and burning torches."

"Don't be silly, after what we've done to the economy they won't be able to afford the petrol."

"They will - Maude told them to stockpile it remember?"

"Oh God, why am I surrounded by incompetents?"

"You've still got me Dave."

"That's rather my point Gideon. We have to do something. I don't suppose..."

"Why are you looking at me like that Dave? I'm not doing the honourable thing, its not in my character, and anyway that's what we've got the Lib Dems for."

"I fear it might be too late for that. There's only one thing for it, we've got to stuff the Cabinet with a load of people even more hated than us! Where's Grayling? He's a prize bastard."

"Yes, yes, compared to him people would see us for who we really are."

"God no, we don't want that!"

As desperate last throws of the dice go Cameron's reshuffle was not so much rearranging the foldable seating on an infamously porous vessel as fiddling the books while Rome burns.

A gruesome gallery of grotesques were wheeled out squinting into the searing light of day like Nosferatu on a Club 18-30 holiday.

In Jeremy Hunt and George Osborne's cases no doubt amazed they had dodged a bullet or at least a judiciously placed stake.

There were reports of tears and snotters around Downing Street but then Ken Clarke had probably had a few before he went in.

As statements of intent go this was Cameron saying that, not content with just being the nasty party anymore, he was going to up the ante and turn it into the total vicious bastard party.

This, it was claimed, was a Cabinet that "meant business."

More like a Cabinet which means business can do whatever the hell it wants.

There were new appointments for Minister for Murdoch Jeremy Hunt and Chris Grayling, and David Laws is back in the Cabinet having had to quit over a taxpayer-funded attempt to stay in the closet.

What does it take to get sacked from this government?

Like the banking industry it worships so much, it would appear that total incompetence need not be a bar to promotion with the Con-Dems.

Hunt was parachuted into the health brief even after becoming as toxic as an FSB teapot after his blatant toadying to the dark side over the BSkyB bid and his bizarre text messages to News Corp lobbyist Fred Michel.

Hunt is an ideal candidate to run the health service - into the ground.

As Culture Secretary he even attempted to cut the NHS scenes from the Olympic opening ceremony.

And he's a well-known advocate for homeopathy. I think we have some idea of what's in store - a massively watered-down NHS which can only provide the notion of being beneficial.

And then there was Grayling...

Appointing the rabid rightwinger, his hands still dripping with the blood of workers due to his frenzied slashing of health and safety regulations, as Justice Secretary is like making Jack the Ripper a High Court judge.

It was Grayling, you will recall, who famously defended the right of a pair of Christian bigots to discriminate against gay couples and ban them from sharing a room in their B&B.

And just to add to the fun Cameron appointed an Environment Minister - Owen Paterson - who is a climate-change denier and an Equalities Secretary, Maria Miller, who opposes equality.

The only real surprise was that Aidan Burley wasn't appointed Defence Secretary - he's already got a uniform.