Beni cashes in his chips

An exciting opportunity has arisen following a surprise opening for a CEO of one of the world's biggest brands.

Applicants should be dynamic and vigorous with around 60 years of related experience, have a proven track record of belief in their own infallibility and an ability to turn a blind eye.

Latin and a belief in the almighty an advantage but not compulsory.

Benefits include almost total job security, scope for posthumous promotion, never having to apologise, an extensive selection of hats and company car.

No time wasters or Anglicans.

Applications should be sent accompanied by a full CV, a decade of rosaries and suitable monetary inducement to the Papal Nuncio, Vatican City.

Yes, that's right, in a move that could be seen as a somewhat extreme interpretation of Lenten tradition, Il Papa red socks, Benedict XVI, took the unusual decision to quit the top job on Monday.

The move was made, we are told, due to his increased frailty and for "the good of the church."

Who could have foreseen that when he was appointed a mere eight years ago as a sprightly young 77-year-old, sharp of eye and willowy of figure?

Pope is one of the few jobs - like High Court judge - which you are only eligible for AFTER you reach pensionable age.

The answer is obvious when you think about it - make the next pope a woman. Statistically they live longer. That should ensure there are no more controversies. I don't know why they haven't thought of it before.

Benedict - or is he Ratzinger again now? It's all rather confusing - said he will "retire from public life" and dedicate his time to prayer, reflection and study.

While he's there he might like to REFLECT on all the scandals he's presided over and covered up both before and during his papacy.

The whole Hitler Youth thing was more than a little unfortunate for a start but, let's face it, hanging around with fascists has been something of a theme down the years. Like the Windsors.

In fact being pope is rather like being Queen in a number of respects - both are head of their respective churches, have the job for life if they want it, then there's the pageantry and of course the love of silly hats.

But being pope is even better because you don't have to live with the Duke of Edinburgh.

In the event Ratzinger didn't need a consort to behave crassly on his behalf - he had that covered all by himself.

It was God's Rottweiler, you will no doubt recall, who told Africans that condoms give you HIV thus consigning thousands to a lingering death.

Then, in a lecture in Germany in 2006, he quoted Byzantine emperor Manuel II Palaeologus, saying that Islam had brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things.

Even Phil the Greek might have thought twice about that one.

There is also the small matter of his actively having covered up numerous cases of paedophile priests, gagging the victims and relocating the offenders to allow them to abuse again.

I'm sure there are a number of key requirements for a successful application for pontiff but I'm guessing a CRB check isn't one of them.

Hilariously, concern has been expressed among certain quarters that the next pope might be a hard-liner. Not like the wishy-washy liberal former head of the Inquisition then.

This column has cast its eye over the front runners for the post and noted a few surprising omissions. Blair is bound to be interested for a start, especially seeing as that whole Emperor of the World gig doesn't seem to be working out.

The other obvious contender is Berlusconi. He's flamboyant, Catholic and has alleged links to the Mafia, he's perfect. And let's face it, if ever a guy knew his way around a sex scandal…