New year revolutions to overcome the wunch

I've always been an optimist, often in the face of all available evidence, and I don't intend to stop now. So here are a few predictions from the bottom of my pint of Dark Star Six Hop Ale.

1) As the flailing, chaotic mess which is capitalism eats ever more of itself and more and more people see their working conditions, jobs and living standards erode and disappear, a light will suddenly come on in the heads of millions.

Instead of complaining loudly into their pints or on football message boards about the rights and benefits associated with union membership, how much better off such people are and how they are "holding the country to ransom," they will realise that, despite what the Sun tells them, they have a right to decent working conditions themselves and they need to fight for them. And they'll start by joining a union, of course.

2) The commuter classes who travel to work on ridiculously overcrowded, overpriced trains will rebel. Politely, but firmly.

As a result, the Labour Party will finally discover some political testicles and get the message that renationalising the railways without compensation would be the single most popular electoral pledge in the entire political history of this country.

And since they want to get elected, they'll tell the bankers and Torygraph leader writers foaming at the mouth about "theft of private property" to get stuffed.

3) The use of the terms "consumer" and "customer" will be limited to those situations mentioned in the poem below.

Their employment in the context of football will be made illegal.

It wasn't "consumers" who kicked out the profiteering, property speculating scum who nearly destroyed Brighton and Hove Albion FC.

It was us, the fans. And, to this day, the victory we won, united against cynical capitalism, ranks for me as one of my proudest moments in 30-odd - sometimes very odd - years as a political activist.

Happy New Year. And remember - the collective noun for bankers is a wunch.

Now here's the poem.

Terms And Conditions

At the meal able, I'm a consumer.
I'm a customer when in a shop.
For the sake of our poor English language
That's where corporate brand-speak should stop.
When I get on a train, I'm a passenger
(And to hell with their privatised plan)
At my gigs, I perform to an audience.
At the Albion, I am a fan.

A consumer will gulp down a product
Till a better one's sold on TV.
A customer's wallet goes elsewhere
If he's not got the right guarantee.
But we fans will be there for a lifetime.
We'll stand up for our rights come what may.
We're the core, we're not passive consumers -
That's why our club's still here today.

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