The new Commie Chef

I have been plagued for the first few weeks of my tenure as the Commie Chef by a dilemma which gradually festered into what any Dostoevsky fan will recognise as the sort of irresistible urge to confess that possesses poor Rashkolnikov.

Not that I've topped any elderly money-lenders. Quite the reverse, in a sense. You see, I don't eat meat at all.

I choose my words carefully here. Although I will often announce myself as a vegetarian, especially when trying to make trouble - one of my hobbies - I do in fact eat fish and shall shortly astonish and delight you with some fishy recipes.

This is not, incidentally, because I believe fish to have unpleasant personalities and therefore that being eaten serves 'em right.

It's not killing stuff as such that I object to, but industrial agriculture and the quite astonishing levels of brutality that it generates, the fact it's destroying the planet and the huge contribution that it makes to the epidemic of obesity.

I also believe, however, that this has to be a personal choice. We all make compromise peace agreements with our consciences and mine just doesn't happen to be able to embrace the meat-eating thing.

The point of which is to say that, although you won't get meat recipes as such from me, you can always substitute the stuff for the TVP, quorn and tofu-based products that will crop up in my recipes from time to time.

Celery is an entirely cruelty-free product that never knew its mother. It is not, however, one which does much for the imagination.

So this is based - loosely, so no complaints please! - on a dish eaten in Sardinia. Celery has been on the menu in the Mediterranean since ancient times. The Romans used to hang it around their necks when orgying in order to ward off hangover.

There is some evidence that it lowers blood pressure, so perhaps there was something in this. What is certain is that it contains plenty of vitamin C and calcium and keeps its nutritional value well when cooked.

You can serve this with good bread, baked spuds or croutons made from bread fried in olive oil. And the rest of the bottle of red wine, of course.

Ingredients

2 medium onions, chopped
garlic, one clove or to taste, crushed
2 medium-to-large carrots, sliced
150g/6oz TVP or three times this quantity of other mince (TVP is dried)
olive or sunflower oil
about 250g/8oz celery stalks, thinly sliced
20cl/7fl.oz red wine
1 litre/35fl.oz stock
pinch cayenne pepper (or a little more if you like your food spicy)
good pinch of thyme
salt
4 tbsps tomato purée

What to do

Heat the oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pan and add the onion. Fry on quite a high heat until just beginning to brown, then turn down the heat and add the garlic.

Next, add the mince and let it brown, stirring with the onions. If you're using TVP, add about a quarter of the stock now. If you're not using a dried version of mince, then just add the tomato purée with about the same quantity of stock. Cover and simmer gently for 20 minutes. Take a peek now and then and add some of the stock if it seems to be drying out.

Add the celery, carrots, wine, the rest of the stock, the cayenne pepper, thyme and salt and continue to simmer for half an hour.