McGuffin on the road

What is the collective noun for Tories? A mendacity of Tories?

Stepping through the ring of steel is like descending into one of the circles of hell - the one reserved for self-important gits.

And speaking of self-important gits, there was a bumper crop on display yesterday. First up we had George Osborne, whose smirk has become more of a rictus grin of late but not yesterday - he was among friends and could really let himself go.

So, we had the Tory Chancellor telling the plebs how many children he thought they should have and then telling the self-same parents that the kids will have to live with them until they're in their thirties because he's going to stop them getting housing benefit.

Osborne referred to Labour so often that it seemed for a moment like he was at the wrong conference. He then went further by cynically co-opting the Marxist slogan "Workers of the world unite."

You have nothing to lose but your employment rights and your benefits.

It was a bit like the Queen quoting Guy Fawkes.

Although, just to be sure that the more senile in the audience didn't suddenly wake up and panic that the revolution had occurred, they were all going to be killed in their beds and therefore that they should rush home and shoot their daughters, he added: "We're conservatives - not anarchists."

Glad he cleared that one up.

No, the anarchists were outside calling for his head. Along with the anti-austerity campaigners, the anti-nuclear activists, the save the bees campaigners, the hunt saboteurs and anti-badger cull protesters and pretty much anyone else you can think of.

At times it must have felt like the Alamo for the bemused delegates.

And some of them were very bemused indeed. One activist who challenged two young Tory types about the potential perils of another Fukushima was greeted with glazed stares and a "What is he talking about?"

But then again they were too busy trying to get photos of themselves with the party hierarchy to really pay much attention to anything else.

Ann Widdecombe and former archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey were left in no doubt as to exactly how they had caused the ire of around 100 gay rights campaigners outside the town hall.

Chants of "Tory scum out of Brum" and "You say Tory, we say bigot" are pretty unequivocal.

There's never a dull moment at the Tory Party conference - apart from the speeches, that is.

Monday also saw a bizarre question and answer session on the main stage with three "business leaders" including the boss of Waitrose and the National Grid.

Well, when I say question and answer, it was more like fawn and pontificate.

"Please could you tell us how wonderful capitalism is and how wonderful and caring you're company is?"

"Well, if you insist..."

"What would you say to those who criticise business?" (This to the head of Waitrose).

"Stop it!"

But when the joys of the main hall wane there is always the travelling circus which is the exhibitors' room.

A quick scan around the stalls in the conference centre gives a tantalising glimpse into the inner psyche of the right-wing chattering classes.

Pro-fur trade stalls sit flayed cheek by bloodied jowl with their natural bedfellows the Countryside Alliance.

Blacklister Carillion is in attendance. Its motto "We can and we will" couldn't be more apposite and could pretty much sum up the whole conference.

Elsewhere the "Keep Marriage Special" campaign leaflet begins: "Almost two thousand years ago our Lord Jesus Christ was questioned by the Pharisees about marriage and divorce."

Good to see the Tories living up to their reputation for forward-thinking, enlightened values.

It is interesting to note the plethora of new lobby groups springing up.

Conservative Friends of Israel now has competition from Conservative Friends of Pakistan, India and Azerbaijan.

Who knew they were so keen to reach out?

The Tories seem to want to be friends with everybody - unless they're the poor.