"In keeping with radio tradition I asked for a sidekick but it turns out I am the sidekick so I'm flying solo today.
"We're going to move to the phones in a minute but first of all I'd like to give a shout out to the rest of the coalition posse. Davey C this one's for you - You Spin Me Right Round Baby by Dead or Alive..."
"Travel news next. Since we jacked up the fare prices you can't afford to travel so just stay at home and listen to fabulous LDC Radio. At least until the bloke from the power company comes and cuts you off because you can't pay the astronomical bill. Just kidding, listeners.
"OK, it's time to hit the phones. First caller - you're through to LDR drive time. What's that? I'm an awful leader and an even worse Deputy Prime Minister?
"Vince? Is that you?
"Those guys, always joshing. I could have you killed you know Cable!!
"Now, here's one for all you Lib Dem voters out there, this is Don't Leave Me This Way by the Communards."
Yes, bizarrely this week saw Nick Clegg take to the airwaves in yet another asinine and patently doomed attempt to give himself some form of "credibility."
Who thought that was a good idea?
There are a few vacancies in the DJ game at the moment and Clegg could probably do with finding a new career, but this was ridiculous.
Radio phone-ins are notoriously strewn with potential pitfalls and it took all of about five seconds before the hapless Deputy PM was being lambasted by a long time Lib Dem member and former councillor who told him he was ashamed at what the party was doing and that he had torn up his membership card in disgust.
Clegg was then, also predictably, assailed by callers condemning his craven capitulation over tuition fees.
As if that wasn't embarrassment enough for one week he turned up with David Cameron to re-plight their troth and reaffirm their commitment to the Coalition of the Shilling.
Clegg and Cameron by this column's reckoning have now renewed their vows more often than Liz Taylor and Richard Burton - or an amnesiac Mormon who accidentally finds himself in Las Vegas.
Cameron in yet another shining example of his sparkling wit and gift of the gab claimed the coalition was a "Ronseal deal" which did "exactly what it said on the tin" - presumably, stains everything it touches with a warning that if swallowed consult a doctor.
Not to be outdone Clegg then japed that this was the "unvarnished truth." Oh, how we laughed.
You can't polish a turd but apparently you can lacquer one.
It occurs, not for the first time, that Cameron's entire shtick is lifted from TV adverts.
First we had the odious "calm down dear" Michael Winner catchphrase from those ropey insurance ads.
What's next? "You can't beat a bit of Bolly"?
Or more likely "I can't believe it's not Thatcher."
What is it with the current crop of pols? So beholden to celebrity culture and desperate to curry favour are they that we've had Cable on Come Dancing and Dorries down under chewing kangaroo sphincters.
It'll be Iain Duncan Smith on X Factor next. Or Eric Pickles on Come Dine With Me.
And speaking of Pickles, the corpulent Communities Secretary got himself in hot water on Thursday for recommending that councils save money by not translating documents into foreign languages.
He included the suggestion in a list of 50 money-saving tips for councils, claiming that translation "undermines community cohesion by encouraging segregation."
Some of us thought that had been Tory Party policy for years.
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